Reverb 11 - Day 31 Le Fin

Encapsulate your hopes for the year 2012 in one word. Explain why you’re choosing that word.

Transcend.

Definition: to rise above or go beyond the limits of; to triumph over the negative or restrictive aspects of.

Does it need an explanation? My hopes for next year are basically that everything improves in a great way. Obviously, nothing is perfect, and nothing goes as planned, but bumps in the road make the journey more interesting. I want to learn more, I want to write more, I want to be happy more, I want to love more. *shrug* I feel like I couldn't possibly hope for anything more than that. :D

happy new year 

<3 pennilane

Day 30 Reverb 11

What’s the thing you most want to achieve next year? How do you imagine you’ll feel when you get it? Free? Happy? Complete? Blissful? Write that feeling down. Then, brainstorm 10 things you can do, or 10 new thoughts you can think, in order to experience that feeling today.

At this very moment, I would really like to write something of substance next year. A collection of thoughts that came from my head and turned into words on paper [or a screen, as it may be]. I haven't decided what form this writing will take, but that's pretty much what I've been leading up to with this little "blogsperiment" of mine. I need to get into the habit of writing again. Of feeling comfortable with my words being available for others to read, even if no one's reading them. 

I have a feeling that my final emotions when I do achieve this goal will be rather mixed. "What do I do next?" "Why do I think its terrible?" "Would anyone else read this crap?" "Hooray, I got that off my chest." 

I don't know how it will feel. I've never really attempted to write something "creative" that wasn't going to be graded. I just know its something that I want to do, and have wanted to do for a long time, I just lost my voice for a while. So that's my goal. Maybe I'll attempt NANOWRIMO for real next year. Maybe I'll pick up poetry again. Maybe I'll just throw a bunch of crap into some "creative non-fiction" essays or something. 

At least I found my voice. And I think that that realization in and of itself is enough to make me feel all the feelings I might feel when I achieve my goal.

<3 pennilane

Reverb 11 - Day 29

I am exhausted and very vomitous feeling, so please excuse me if this is brief.

What makes you squirm, looking back at 2011? Write about a moment in which you were uncomfortable, out of your comfort zone, or caught off-guard. Why was it so awkward?

Just now. My laptop was being extra super wonky and I thought it was going to asplode. THAT made me squirm. haha... but really. No. Bueno. I think, with the help of the boyfriend and his functioning computer, I got things in order. We shall see. 

Beyond that... I think the only awkward moments I've had this year were running into people that I didn't want to see and wasn't planning on seeing. Even if I dislike someone very much, if I know I'll be seeing them I can usually keep my cool. When they sneak up on me though... Not cool.

<3 pennilane

reverb 11 - day 28

Day 28 - Imagine yourself five years from now. What advice would you give your current self for the year ahead? (Bonus: Write a note to yourself 10 years ago. What would you tell your younger self?)

I am quite sure that my 33 year old self would tell my 28 year old self to quit worrying so much about what MIGHT happen and focus on improving what IS happening. It seems simple... in theory.

On the other-hand, my 28 year old self has no idea what my 33 year old self has seen and done and accomplished so, your guess is as good as mine. Lets write a letter.

December 28th, 2011

Connecticut, USA

Dear 18 year old Me,

You're doing everything right, so don't stress out about it too much. You could put in a little more effort in class before graduation, but you'll throw away your academic scholarship by the end of your Freshman year of college anyway. All that money you get for "graduation gifts?" Spend it. Live in the moment. You've managed to spend the last 18 years holding back because you know all the money you're spending is your parents'. Just go for it and don't worry about what your parents might think. They can't balance their own checkbook so don't let them tell you what to do with yours. [I love you ma, but you know its true.]

All those "silly" ideas you have like not drinking until you've made a solid group of friends in college, or why you'll know the "right time" is actually the "right time" will work perfectly. In fact, there's very little about our college years that I would tell you to do differently. If I tell you to focus more on class, then the life lessons coming at you might be ignored, and that just won't do. The only classes you'll do really poorly in are classes that you won't use at all, at least up until this point. Don't freak out about your Literature classes either. You may have a hard time reading on demand now, but give it a few years... you will eventually read Pride and Prejudice more times than you can currently comprehend [without imagining it as a form of torture]. 

If anything, talk to your professors more. Take advantage of the knowledge they have and the important friendships they can offer. Let them know how much you appreciate them. The ones who really believe in you, and want you to do well, and will celebrate your post college victories with you won't be there forever.  They won't be there for very long at all. That loss will be with you for a very long time. 

You are awkward. Embrace it. It will make you more friends if you just own it and let it flow freely. 

Speaking of friends; if they seem evil and conniving, and manipulating, they probably are and you definitely don't want them around any longer than necessary. You will live with one of these people. She will try to consume your soul. You will win the battle, but it won't be easy. You will also [very briefly] date one of these people. He's the only boy I'd ever tell you NOT to kiss. GIANT HINT: if they're willing to humiliate other people they once called friends, they'll probably try to humiliate you. You are the bigger person and nothing they can do or say will change how your true friends perceive you, just be aware of how the people around you treat others. 

My only other request is that you don't let your friends make decisions for you. Even if they seem like silly little nothings at the time, your friends are not you and cannot live your life, no matter how hard they may try. Keep true to yourself.

There will be some rough times after college. But there will also be some amazing friends, and everything that happens will teach you important lessons about who you are, what you need, and what you deserve. You WILL escape from the clutches of the south western desert. You won't miss it. [at least not yet.] You WILL miss California. Visit more while you can. 

Take chances. Everything will work itself out eventually, but you have to have your hands on the wheel. Whatever you do, don't let go.

Most assuredly yours,

Me

Fun times. 3 more days of 2011, can you believe it!?!?!

<3 pennilane

hahaha... woops... reverb 11 - days 25-27

I am SO awesome at forgetting to do things :D I guess I've been pretty good about this every day posting thing, considering I wasn't posting anything at all before, but busy holidays and busy work means little time for busy writing.

Lets start where we left off....

Day 25 - What surprised you in 2011? Did you do something unexpected? Or perhaps some life event/milestone snuck up on you? How did you handle it? How did it turn out?

I CAN COOK!!! hahaha... but really. I had no idea. It all started with a few recipes shared by family; my sister's baked macaroni and cheese, and my mom's quiche. But this year I branched out. I tried new things. I modified recipes found online to fit my [and my boyfriend's] taste without any help from outsiders. I cooked a delicious meal of "smothered steaks" for Valentines day. I created a balsamic vinegar chicken dish from a modified recipe that our friends enjoyed thoroughly during the ridiculous power outage in November. I baked cookies from scratch. I attempted to destroy BLT Pasta just last week but somehow made it even better than I was expecting. AND I have now made two kinds of sweet "breakfast" rolls with store bought crescent rolls, not to mention learned how to make some really amazing, and possibly heart attack inducing, frosting. I AM QUEEN OF THE KITCHEN! lol :D

Day 26 - What do you want to try next year? Is there something you wanted to try in 2011? What happened when you did / didn’t go for it?

More cooking! Also, I want to actually create something with my newly acquired [and still very simple] knitting skills [so far I'm just banging out some knots]. 

Day 27 - You talked about ambitions earlier in the month. When it comes to ambitions and aspirations, it’s not about ideas. It’s about making ideas happen. What’s your next step?

I actually had to go back to the ambitions post [day three?!?!?!] to figure out what I even wrote. haha... I need to meditate more and really focus on what I want and need in my life in order to feel successful. I'd say that's the next step. Choosing an ambition has never been easy for me. My one life goal growing up was to go to college. I did that. It was a huge waste of money, but time well-spent so I'd say I broke even. So.... what's next? *shrug* Back to the drawing board....

<3 pennilane

reverb 11 - day 24 [only one more sleep 'til christmas]

This month, gifts and gift-giving can seem inescapable. What’s the most memorable gift, tangible or emotional, you received this year?

I love cake. I am of the belief that if you don't have cake it can't be your birthday. My amazing boyfriend knows this about me and hasn't let me down yet. Last year he surprised me by having his roommates get me a cake the day we got back into town from visiting my family [an amazing gift all on its own] and bringing it out when we got home from the airport. I didn't think he could top that. 

This year he was over at his friends house playing video games the night before my birthday. I had been at work until after 10, so when I got home he called and asked if I wanted him to come home and hang out with me, which I did not require of him... I simply sat in the recliner and read all night until he got home. It was a very relaxing way to ease into my 28th year of life.

*important side note* we rarely have food or anything to drink besides water in our refrigerator, and since it was late, and I had a beverage with me from work, I did not open the fridge at all after coming home.

When boyfriend finally got back to the apartment he came in and yelled HAPPY BIRTHDAY at me from the door, and then came in the living room holding a beautiful chocolate cake with chocolate ganache frosting. I had no idea how he managed to wander in with a cake at such an hour, and he then explained to me that he had purchased it earlier and had it in the fridge, did I not open the fridge? hahaha... it was a great surprise! Cake is great. Great boyfriend is great. :D

<3 pennilane

Christmas Eve Eve and Reverb 11 - day 23

What central story is at the core of you, and how do you share it with the world? (Bonus: Consider your reflections from this month. Look through them to discover a thread you may not have noticed until today.)

I would have to say that my central story, especially considering my posts this month, is attempting to improve my life and the lives of the people around me. Its something that I've always wanted to do, but this year I feel like I'm actually making headway where becoming a better person is involved.

*mostly unrelated*

One of the things that got me through the toughest parts of the last year was meditation and positive thinking. I use meditation as an "on the spot" tool to help me work through whatever silly things are stressing me out, and after I have them sorted in my mind I can use that power to look at the situation with less negativity. I've gotten out of this habit since moving to a less [constantly] stressful workplace, and have noticed the difference. I'm more stressed on a regular basis. I have a harder time dealing with problems logically. Being positive about things is more difficult. I made a promise to myself this week to step it up and start meditating when I can feel the stress taking over...

I was pretty concerned about working tonight. Working in a retail setting on the Friday night before Christmas can be hell. I came from a store where a night like tonight would have at least 5 people working together and am now at a store that had 3 people on the schedule for tonight. I had no idea how things would play out and was mentally prepared to be at work an hour late. When I walked in I could feel the stress consuming my brain and I started to meditate. My nerves settled and I knew that I could handle whatever was coming my way. And then I saw the face of my co-worker whose mother is battling cancer and has been on a steady decline for more than a few weeks now. His face made me feel so incredibly guilty for worrying about my silly problems, and it also made me realized that my positive energy was needed for reasons other than just keeping things under control at work.

We get so wrapped up [no pun intended] in the holiday season and we stress about so many silly things: what gift to buy, who to send cards to, visiting that family member that you drives you crazy, cooking too much food for too many people and hoping it all comes out edible, balancing a teetering checkbook... and then you realize that there are people who can't even pretend to care about those things because they're fighting just to keep breathing. And there are people who are losing their mothers. It really makes all those other things seem pretty trivial. It makes you appreciate every person in your life. And it makes ME send love and positivity and healing white light to everyone I know who needs a Christmas Miracle. 

I guess I needed to get that out.

<3 pennilane

zomg! reverb 11 - day 22

In 2011, what wrongs (big or small) did you attempt to right? How did you help make the world a better place? Why did you do it?

w00t! a post that makes me feel sad! :D hahahaha. but no really. I didn't do enough to "make the world a better place" this year. All the wrongs I can think of that I made an attempt to fix pertained mostly to me or my life or the people I care about. I shall make it my goal to do better at this in 2012.

I did make a few very small donations this year, now that I'm about to click "publish." I bought one of the Jobs For America bracelets from Starbucks, and last night I donated $2 [all the cash in my wallet] to a group that cares for pets who belong to elderly patients. I also through a large handful of change from the black hole that is my purse into a salvation army bucket, and I helped buy a christmas gift for a salvation army christmas angel. Unfortunately, money is causing more problems in this world than fixing them so I should probably find a more efficient way of helping.

<3 pennilane

bad blog mom - Reverb 11 - 19, 20, & 21

ooooh my goodness I'm such a bad Blog Mommy. Lets see what the prompts have been

Day 19 - Sift through all the photos of you from the past year. Choose one that best captures you; either who you are, or who you strive to be. Find the shot of you that is worth a thousand words. Share the image, who shot it, where, and what it best reveals about you.


[of course it has to be something to make me work....]

I chose this picture because I think its me at my most honest. We took a day trip to NYC in September and went to the Metropolitan Museum of Art and I took sooo many pictures. I wanted to take everything home with me in some form. So here I am, gathering up as much beauty and inspiration and knowledge as I can. :)

Day 20 - Our most profound joy is often experienced during ordinary moments. What was one of your most joyful ordinary moments this year?


My family all live very far away from me and I miss them very much. I was using Skype to talk to my little sister quite recently and my oldest niece was running around all willy nilly, as [almost] 3 year-olds are prone to do. Just seeing her in action and listening to her speak her jibberish at me, and having her blow me kisses through the web cam was pretty amazingly joyful. I <3 my der der and my dude.

Day 21 - Describe a defining moment or series of events that has affected your life this year.


I am afraid of everything. This year, however, I had the opportunity to step outside of my comfort zone so many times and I really feel like it has made me into a stronger, and less fearful, person. One of those "defining" moments for me was the day I let my boyfriend take me out on his motorcycle. I have spent my entire life fearing motorcycles. I know too many people who have been hurt or killed on those damn things... and the way I see people driving them sometimes, weaving through traffic at 95mph, it makes my heart jump. But I trust my boyfriend, and he's pretty passionate about his motorcycle, so as a birthday surprise I told him I'd let him take me out one day. I didn't promise I'd stay on very long, but I tried as hard as I could. Having no idea what to expect, and feeling like I had absolutely no control over the situation, it didn't take long for me to ask him to turn around and head back, but at least I tried. I have every intention of trying again too. I even still have the borrowed helmet so that when the weather warms up we can get out there and try to scare me into my senses again. :D

<3 pennilane

reverb11 - day 18

What was the wisest decision you made this year, and how did it play out?

Transferring out of the mall kiosk and into a real store with four walls and 2 doors and a back room to hideout in. At the end of last year my manager was transferred to another store/district and we got someone else transferred in. He and I did not get along and it made my work life a living hell. I stayed through the holidays but one Saturday morning in February I called my old manager's cell phone.

"Hey Awesome Manager, how's it going?"

"Good. Are you okay?"

"Nope. I need out. Like, yesterday."
"Okay. When is your next review? I want to get you out before he can mess up your raise."

"March 1st. That's only a couple weeks away, do you think it will work?

"You may not end up in my store, but I'll get you into the district for sure. I'll make some phone calls and I'll talk to Bad Manager about it myself."

"Thank you so much Awesome Manager."

So, I had about 2 weeks in the hellish mall after that, and then transferred to one store that was about 45 minutes away, but they really needed a shift as they had just lost one without notice.

 That store was amazing. It was like being back at home after years of being so far away that you almost forgot what comfort was. I was only there for a month, to help them get settled, and then I was asked to transfer to a store a little closer to home. And that is where I've been since April. Great people, great customers, great atmosphere. I mean, there are still days when I don't want to go to work, but everybody has those. And all I really have to do is remind myself what work used to be like, and it makes me appreciate the change that I made.

<3 pennilane

reverb 11 - day 17

almost forgot again...

What was the last thing you made? What materials did you use? Is there something you want to make, but you need to clear some time for it? What do you hope to make in 2012?

I'm actually working on this silly little project right now. I'm covering the stringy rubbery alwaysgetstangled part of my earphones with embroidery thread. You know, in the way that we used to make friendship bracelets... I got the idea on pinterest.com and while at the craft store, picking up the basic supplies needed to learn knitting, I saw the embroidery thread and figured I'd go for it. Tying knots isn't so hard... until you realize that a friendship bracelet is like 1/10 the length of your earphone cords... lol. long project is long. :D

<3 pennilane

Reverb 11 - Day 16 [omgitsontime!]

I'll try and keep this one short and sweet.

How did you cultivate a sense of wonder in your life this year? What will you do in 2012 to keep your sense of wonder alive/not become complacent in your surroundings?

For the first time pretty much ever, I'm experiencing life with someone else. I'm sharing life completely with someone else. To see things through someone else's POV is one thing, but to know someone else well enough that you can almost understand their experience vs your experience and see how they differ and mesh and crisscross and and and... I hope that this feeling never gets old.  :D 

<3 pennilane

A day late, a blog short - Reverb 11 day 15

yeah yeah yeah... I'm behind. trust me, I know. I've been letting this one stew for a while in hopes of thinking of something clever...

What are some things/ideas/people/phrases/ words you hope will stay in 2011? What are some things/ideas/people/phrases/words you hope to hear more of in 2012?

I would LOVE it if the general public would become less consumed with the lives of "celebrities" and start living their own lives and dealing with their own problems. WHO CARES why some stupid girl with too much money that she didn't earn herself is getting divorced from the guy she married last week? HOW does it make any difference at all in your life? WHY is our culture so obsessed with what everyone else is doing?

I'm not going to lie, there was a point in my life where I was reading a certain "celebrity blog" several times a day. It happens to coincide with the time in my life when I was extremely unhappy and drinking heavily and didn't want to live my own life. What would happen if every single American took the time to look at their lives, find the one little change they need to make in order to improve their lives, make that change, and suddenly be happier, healthier, and more involved with their own being? They would suddenly find that there's NO REASON TO GIVE A SHIT ABOUT PEOPLE THEY DON'T, AND WILL NEVER, KNOW. 

I'm yelling a lot in this post. I can't tell if its because I care so deeply about it, or if its because I'm listening to some really loud music right now. :) 

I would like to see more positive posts on my FB feed in 2012. Less "FML"s and more [non-sarcastic] "w00t"s. I'm so tired of seeing people I consider friends look at everything that happens to them in a negative way. I'm not Positive Polly, by any means, but I try to keep my public self, the one I post on FB, the one I share with my friends and co-workers and customers, as positive as possible. We all go through some shit, but I like to believe that somewhere in that pile of shit is a nugget of happiness, and that's why we've got to keep digging. Its absurd and confusing and pretty annoying most of the time, but its the only way for me to get myself out of bed every day. *shrug* 

<3 pennilane

omfgiforgottodomyreverb - day 14

In the piles and piles of dumb that happened yesterday, I managed to lose my short term memory. I was actually wandering around all afternoon/evening trying to remember whatever task I was trying to accomplish only seconds before. That makes doing work hard. It also makes remembering to blog hard. [the amount of effort I had to use to NOT write a "getting hard/that's what she said" joke is embarrassing.]

So here it is... what should've been done last night: DAY 14

What’s the one thing you have come to appreciate most in the past year? How do you express gratitude for it?

I feel like I have tackled so many negative aspects of my life in the last year. I still have a lot of things to improve, but where I am now is only about a billion times better than where I was this time last year. All that change causes a lot of stress, and as I've mentioned before, I don't handle stress well.

Side story: I used to [years ago, at this point] drink heavily just to deal with the every day stresses of my personal life and my general unhappiness with where I was and what I was doing. And when I say heavily, I mean black-out drunk at least 3 times a month. I had a problem. When I realized WHY I was drinking to such an extent that I was endangering myself regularly I knew I couldn't ignore it anymore. THAT is why I packed up all my belongings and drove myself across the country to a place I'd never even visited before. I knew that being in Arizona was the root of my unhappiness. I wasn't ever comfortable there, even as a child. I was very close to a lot of issues that I knew I couldn't over-come yet [or still, for that matter]. I hated feeling stuck. I hated the weather. I hated the sunshine. I needed to escape. When I finally moved I had no trouble cutting back on my alcohol intake, seeing as I had no friends to drink with, and I was living with my pregnant sister at the time, so she wasn't going to buy alcohol. Since the drastic cut-back I have become insanely sensitive to all alcoholic beverages [no food + 1 beer = drunk] and I can't even smell most hard liquors without wanting to vomit. If its not beer or wine, I honestly can't drink it anymore. Why am I discussing this now? Because I feel like without this knowledge you [the reader] couldn't begin to grasp WHY I'm so grateful for the one thing that I've really come to appreciate this year. Without this one thing, I have a very strong feeling that I'd be floating in Cranberry Vodkas right about now. /rant

All the stresses of the last year where greatly calmed or talked through or dealt with because of my amazing boyfriend. He is the most amazingly logical person, and he's so relaxed about all of the stupid things that I tend to stress about that he somehow manages to let me be stressed and then talks me down out of my insanity without becoming a headcase himself. I don't know how he puts up with me some times. In fact, before we started dating he let me rant at him about some other guy being a giant pain in my ass. I can't remember if he ever actually gave me advice about said "guy," but I do know that whenever we hung out I felt so much more calm about things. He exudes serenity without even realizing it. I couldn't function without him.

I try to tell him and show him how much I appreciate him as much as I can, but sometimes I feel like its not enough. Is there a way to express to someone that they've kept you as sane as possible and that you don't know what kind of person you'd be without them in your life? And sometimes I feel like my constant stressing and ranting and freaking out make him feel like he HAS to calm me down. I worry about worrying too much. lol. What an amazing brain I have. I definitely want to show him my appreciation more, I just don't know how. Telling someone you love them or appreciate them over and over and over just turns into words, now matter how much you think you mean it. I need some new ideas. :D

<3 pennilane

Day 13 of Reverb 11

What stuck with you? In 2011, what book that you read, film that you saw, song that you heard (or whatever is your preferred sensory experience) really stuck with you? The kind of thing where you keep thinking about it.

Sticky stuff is icky... but, I did read a really fantastic book this year, on recommendation from my boss. It is "The Name of the Wind" by Patrick Rothfuss, and is part of The Kingkiller Chronicle. The boyfriend is currently reading the second book in the series, called "The Wise Man's Fear" and really likes it so far.

I can't really remember anything else that has stuck with me throughout the year... the albums I was really looking forward to this year [The Streets last album ever, and Bright Eyes, to name a couple] didn't move me in the way that I was hoping. I didn't see a whole lot of movies that I haven't already seen. I don't watch TV. I've been fairly lazy as far as taking in new media. I'm out of practice, and quite happy with the things I already like. I must be getting old. ;)

<3 pennilane

PS: OHMYGOD! I totally forgot that I did watch an old [as in cancelled] TV show on Netflix earlier this year that I never ever would have watched if it weren't for the BF and I really enjoyed it. Firefly effing rocked. Yeah. Also, thanks to Netflix, I saw Arsenic and Old Lace. Who has a big ol' crush on Cary Grant now? This girl. hahaha. It truly is a hilarious film. Highly recommend catching both.

Reverb 11 - Day 12 [its 12-12!]

Ohhhh community. This word is soooo important at my place of business. And, with each of the three places I worked at this year, I became a member of a different community. When you switch stores, you're very suddenly thrown into a whole new environment full of things that are extremely familiar to you, and surrounded by strangers who have a lot in common with you. It really is a great opportunity to make friends, which is exactly what I have done. I've also removed myself from a few people that had a rather negative impact on my being, and I'm slowly learning how to share a community with negative people without being affected by them. I definitely want to build my friendships even more next year.

<3 pennilane

Reverb 11 - 11

Health and wellness is today's prompt... and we all know I'm a big fat hairy health-nut. lol

The one major thing I had taken care of this year was having my wisdom teeth removed. It doesn't seem like that would improve one's health until I take the time to mention that I had a cyst behind one lower wisdom tooth, and a raging infection [the reason I went to the dentist] hanging out behind the other. The procedure was hilariously entertaining [I am absolutely serious about this], and once the anti-biotics did their job to kill the infection I felt about a billion times better than I had in weeks. I didn't realize how terrible I had been feeling until I felt better. It was, amazing.

Beyond that, I still eat a whole bunch of crap all the time, I refuse to exercise, and I still won't go to a GP for any of the general ailments that I have. I have ended my powdered hot chocolate mix intake, and I'm limiting myself to two bagels per week. I WAS drinking about a can worth of hot chocolate and eating at least 4-5 bagels per week. Who was feeling the stretch in her jeans? This girl. hahahaha. It probably doesn't help that I went from running around the entire mall like a crazy person to running back and forth in a 20ft space like a crazy person. But, I do what I want. :D

<3 pennilane

Reverb 11 - Day 10

What is the biggest lesson that I learned about myself this year?

I learned that my fear of getting older is accompanied by a very strange fear of not "acting my age." I'm almost 30 years old and was just today wearing a Rocco's Modern Life inspired Johnny Cupcakes shirt. Granted, the man behind that shirt is like the same exact age I am, and its not like Rocco is a new cartoon, but most people don't perceive me as being over 25. That weirds me out a little... a lot. But I also don't want to be old and boring and not be allowed to wear fun things like that. Or do stupid things with my friends. I don't know... but these are things that I have become quite aware of recently. Its an interesting battle, to be me.

<3 pennilane

Reverb 11 - Day 9 [on day 10]

Travel? what is this... travel... ? hahaha... This year was probably the least I have traveled since the end of high school, so, you know, 10 years ago. Not a single plane ride was taken. We were never in the car for more than 3 hours. The furthest we went was to Tuxedo Park, NY for our favorite summer event, the New York Renaissance Faire! ooooh what good times. :D We did go to NYC for one day during our September "vacation," but its only a short train ride away. OH! We went to Rhode Island for a Punchline concert. That was a fun adventure. As for next year... only time and our wallets will tell... I'd love to do some visiting, as I haven't seen any of my family in a very long while, but who knows. :)

<3 pennilane

Reverb 11 - Day 8

Today's prompt is something about "if you were told you were going to lose your memory of the last year in 5 minutes, what would you want to remember? set a timer for 5 minutes and see how many memories you can capture." The whole set a timer part is really stressing me out, and seeing as I've already had a really stressful day, I'm going to cheat and do no such thing.

I want to remember the times that I've Skyped with my little sister and nieces. They live so far away and I miss them so much. I hate how fast the girls are growing without me seeing all the little in between parts. I want to remember the day that I helped my big sister pack up all her things and start over fresh because it was the first and last time I got to see/hug her in a very long time. We worked really hard that day to pack everything into a truck and it was so very worth it for so very many reasons. I want to remember all of the days off I got to spend with the boyfriend; planned or unplanned, busy or lazy, just the two of us or with friends. We always have a good time together no matter what we do. We had a lot of good adventures this year, and I'm looking forward to many more. I want to remember all of the new friends I've made this year. I have had the opportunity to meet so many new people in the last 11 months, and I've also had the opportunity to become very close with a couple of other people that I never would have expected. Friends are so important and are so often taken for granted. [after moving to a place where I knew virtually no one, I can honestly say that I know what its like to have no friends.] I want to remember all of the successful meals I cooked this year, so that I will try to cook even more often next year. I want to remember the feeling I felt when we were sitting front and center at "How to Succeed at Business Without Really Trying" and Daniel Radcliff entered the stage within arms reach of me. "Starstruck" is something you can't explain. Also, just the feeling of seeing an amazing live performance on stage. What an amazing experience. And lastly, I want to remember how nice it has been to just write every day for the last week. :D

<3 pennilane

Rever 11 - Day 7

What did I avoid this year that I should have probably done?

Well, until this month, I've avoided writing like the plague, despite the fact that the need to write has been eating away at my soul for the last several months. I even "dedicated" myself to completing NANOWRIMO and then conveniently came up with multiple excuses to not do it. One of them is that I'm so "out of practice" that I felt like jumping in head first would have just ended in a smashed skull. That's why I'm taking advantage of Reverb 11 this month; its such a simple way to get writing happening, and who doesn't love to talk about themselves on the interwebz? :D

I also magically avoided changing my work situation. Don't get me wrong, I still love my job. But man, I put up with too much bullshit sometimes. This week, in particular, has already been way too much fun, and its only Wednesday. I did make my work life BETTER by transferring out of the shit-hole kiosk and away from the emotionally abusive manager, but yeah... one of these days I might eventually be brave enough to get a grown-up job. Of course then I'll just have to put up with a whole different kind of bullshit, so its all relative.

I also avoided my dad this year. I returned his call once, but I was a little tipsy and left a message that probably made him feel like an asshole, so I haven't heard from him since. Yes, that means he didn't call me for my birthday or thanksgiving. It wasn't the first time, trust me. I'm working on "letting go" of my resentment towards him, but I feel like letting him back in would just create new reasons to resent him, so its easier to continue the silence. He probably feels the same way, so I guess we're even.

As far as eventually doing these things, well, I'm already getting back into writing [GO ME!], I did improve work, although a change probably wouldn't hurt eventually, but I have no real plans for it in the near future, and the ball is in dad's court as far as I'm concerned.

<3 pennilane

Reverb 11 - Day 6

Today's prompt: what are 11 things your life doesn’t need in 2012? How will you go about eliminating them? How will getting rid of these 11 things change your life?

the answer to this prompt, for me, is too simple and too expected. I don't need as much stress. I don't need as many bagels. I don't need to pick up after other people when they don't do their share. I can't even think of any silly things that I could add to the list because this year has been so good, so fun, so positive that all I really want/need is more of everything! so, I am turning to a different reverb11 prompt [because there are several versions happening] for today and it is this: "Laughter: Reflect on the last time you laughed so hard your sides hurt, your mascara ran down your face, or you wet your pants?"

No lie, Damn You Auto Correct kills me. I was reading the "top 25" list and had to take my glasses off because i couldn't see through the wet shmeary lenses. I very rarely laugh that hard at anything.

But what I think is really really fantastic, is that there have been moments in the last year that DID make me laugh that hard, and they weren't because of websites, or movies, or stupid videos. They were real moments that I got to share with other people. Like the day that I was outside bugging the boyfriend while he was reading his book and smoking his cigarette [gross, i know]. I think I was hugging him from behind and wiggling ridiculously, which was making him laugh, which, in turn, was making it difficult for him to focus on his book.

"I can't REEAAAD," he said to me.

"OH MY GOD WHY DIDN'T YOU TELL ME! HOW HAVE YOU BEEN PRETENDING ALL THIS TIME?!!??!"

We both just lost it. His neighbors must have thought we were on drugs; standing outside, laughing hysterically at nothing with tears running down our faces... The conversation continued for a few moments, broken up by the insane laughter and getting all the funnier to us. I'm actually giggling about it now, as I remember it.

We laugh together a lot, the boyfriend and I. Mostly at ourselves because we're both so ridiculous. I need more of that, because being ridiculous is fun, and laughing is healthy. :)

<3 pennilane

Reverb 11 - Day 5

So, if any one "moment" from the last year of my life should be made into a movie, it would probably be my second trip to the casino. I don't know how interesting it would be for anyone to watch, but it was probably the most climactic "moment" I've had so far this year.

Now, I'm a rather "timid" gambler, and generally just stick to the slot machines and video blackjack, because I know absolutely NOTHING about any of the other games that happen in a casino. So, myself, my boyfriend, and our good friend take a trip down to the casino. We usually start out with a few slot machines, so that's where we began our night. Nothing seemed too special or exciting, just good, old fashioned gambling. After a few different games and maybe a couple of beers the boys go to play some poker and I wander off to the shops, which includes the mandatory trip to Sephora to play with makeup. After my window shopping I head back to the slots. I think I sat down at the Wheel Of Fortune game and maybe won $80, and then went to play video blackjack at one of the bars so I could have free beer. When the boys finished their poker game I bought a round of drinks with my WOF winnings and we meandered over to the craps tables in good spirits. I think both boys were down a little $ after poker, but I don't remember.

Craps is a terribly confusing game, especially when you're drunk and you've only seen it played one other time, several weeks earlier. Having never played it myself, I was standing quietly behind the boys who both bought into the game and had been hassling me about playing too. Something about "first-timers luck" and "girl luck" but I wasn't having it. When the dice came around to our friend the dealer saw me standing there and said, "lady roller?" Uh, no. Not this time. So our friend rolled a few times but didn't do much by way of winning himself or anyone else money. "Lady roller?" I hear again and all of a sudden every single man at the table is staring at me hungrily. The dice are in front of me, and my boyfriend is putting down chips so I can roll.

"What do I do???"

"Pick two dice and throw them to the other end of the table. Don't worry about anything else."

"Fiiiiine."

I threw the dice a little too hard the first time, but after that, there was no stopping me. Once. Twice. Five times... I don't honestly know how many times I got to roll. I do know that everyone at the table was winning money on my rolls, including me - because the boyfriend was laying down bets for me. When I finally rolled a 7 I couldn't even see straight. Between the beer and the adrenaline, I had had enough.

The boys stayed in the game for a couple more rollers, but that was about it. Thanks to "first-timers luck" and "girl luck" we all walked out of there with a little extra money in our pockets. It was a good feeling. But not good enough to get me to willingly play craps again. :D

<3 pennilane

Reverb 11 - Day 4

What healed me this year? Am I healed? I feel less broken than I used to feel. Less empty. Less jagged. [Less jaded?] But how did I get from point A to point B? Algebra word problems are pretty entertaining so lets see what we can figure out.

Before 2011 I had been involved in a [fairly recent] string of wasted kisses, awful roommates, a high stress job, and a little too much recklessness. Before coming to Connecticut I had been involved in a whole lot of too much recklessness, and had a stressful, uncomfortable home life. Before that, well, I was young.

In 2011 I found comfort in a healthy, happy relationship. I took the initiative and improved my work situation. I moved out of a terrible neighborhood and into a quaint little town. I officially became a resident of Connecticut. I don't know that I could thank one single thing for helping me "heal" this year. I would have to give a nod to time, understanding, self-awareness, strength, and serenity.

But then I look back at the last month, which has been particularly stressful, and realize that I need so much more serenity in my life. Just these last few days of taking the time to thumb through the changes I've made, and that have made me, in the last year have made me very aware of how tense I was the last several weeks. I need to let go of more. Breathe more. If I could hope for any sort of healing for 2012 it would be in the form of more serenity.

<3 pennilane

Reverb 11 - Day Threeeeee

What are my ambitions? I suppose that's something I haven't really worked out beyond, "get out of bed every day," which can be rather daunting from time to time. I think that, because I don't have a solid goal to work towards, I would say that my goal is to find as much happiness in the way things are right now, and the way they will be in the future, regardless of what the future holds.

There are definitely things in my every day life that don't deserve much in the way of positive feedback, but if I can work towards eliminating those negative aspects, it makes the positive ones that much more fantastic. The hard part, at least for me, is knowing the difference between unhappiness at bad stuff, and stress/fatigue caused by good stuff. I tend to get wrapped up in stress on a very regular basis.

My ability to be stressed out and irritable outweighs my ability to brush things off and just smile by quite a bit. It would seem that dealing with stress better could be added to my ambitions list. It would seem that making an ambitions list should be added to my ambitions list. :D

<3 pennilane

random questions have random answers

Question: Try writing your name with your other hand. Where was that person raised?

She was born in the year 2037 in what is currently called "the Mid-west." American society has all but disintegrated and humans rely on machines for all forms of communication. Language, music, and art all come from computer generated formulas created generations ago so that humans could focus on making money rather than being creative.

At the age of 17, she found a strange object stuck between the walls of a garbage receptacle . When she removed the cap she found a soft blue tip that left marks on her skin. Because all humans had been genetically enhanced to have credit cards instead of right hands, she used her left hand to mark her own name, as she could see it printed on her ID tags, on her right arm. It was oddly freeing, this ability to make something new, even if it was just some disjointed scribbles in the form of letters. And then a black tarp was thrown over her head from behind and she was lifted up and secreted away for another reprogramming. The strange object with the soft blue tip was ripped from her fragile left hand, never to be seen, or used, again.

Reverb11 - Day 2

[for reference, this is where i'm getting my prompts, and why i'm calling it Reverb11]

What, or whom, did I let go of this year? This is a difficult this. I can think of so many things that I want to let go of but haven't yet made the commitment to do so. I'm in the process of removing a few things from my present life and attempting to put them in the past, but when I'm really honest with myself I know that those things still hang on to my heart a little too tightly.

I have, to be sure, let go of the notion that being "independent" means being alone. I have packed up my whole little life and combined it with the life of someone whom I love very much. I am no longer alone. I share almost everything with another person; space, time, food, fear, dreams. And yet I know, quite assuredly, that I am still myself. I am an independent person who does things for herself without expecting, or accepting [much to his chagrin], the help of someone else. I still dance to my own beat. The awesome thing is, I've found someone whose beat compliments my own in a way I never would have expected. He's the *boom boom boom* to my *doodladoo-n-doodladoo-n* and we dance as ungracefully together as you can imagine.

<3 pennilane

Reverb11 - Day 1 [a day late...]

Change. Trite as it may sound, this year has consumed my life with changes. big and small, very little of what my life was at the beginning of 2011 has remained. My job has changed. My home has changed. Even my driver's license and vehicle registration are now officially different. My views on life and love and comfort are new. My circle of friends has, once again, shifted. What amazes me the most about all of these changes is that all of them, even at the time that they were happening, were positive changes. Stressful and scary, in some cases, but all positive. I knew that every step I made this year was a step in the right direction, and for the right reasons. I still don't know where these changes are taking me, but for the first time in, possibly ever, I am so content with every decision I've made. This is a good this.

<3pennilane